Blog #2 The JD.com Story

I had been talking to my ex JD.com (ALL names changed) on and off for months now, and we would occasionally meet up "for a drink" and proceed to get totally smashed and make out for 45 minutes in my car. Well, the sexual tension was getting ridiculous and I had just learned the previous weekend that him and his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years were on a break (seriously?? who over the age of 17 even goes "on a break" anymore?). To be completely honest, I was happy. I know that sounds bad, but c'mon! I'm the ex-girlfriend! I'm supposed to be bitter and of course I hate his girlfriend (probably as much as she hates me). Besides, JD.com is "that guy". Every girl has "that guy". You know, the guy that got away, the guy that broke your heart 4 times, the guy that keeps popping back into your life at horribly inopportune times. Well, JD is all of those and more to me. We dated almost 4 years ago and he was a TOTAL ASSHOLE. He basically used me as his sexual toy for 9 months, treated me like absolute shit, cheated on me with my best friend, then dropped me like a bad habit. And, me, being 21 and naive, stuck around so I could "help him change into a better man" as I used to call it. Plus, I was head-over-heels in love with this guy, so none of those things even mattered to me at the time.

Well, still to this day, I cannot say no to him. So, as soon as he texted me the words 'lets go grab a drink' I about rolled an ankle getting to my car. Isn't that romantic? I made some lame excuse to The Boyfriend, put on some strappy sandals and hit the road. He lives about half and hour away from my place, so I had plenty of time to get completely nervous and chain smoke half a pack of Camel Lights (The Boyfriend doesn't even know I smoke) on the way. JD.com is the only man who can literally give me butterflies in my stomach and turn me into a quivering schoolgirl.

So, I pull up to his house, do a quick hair/makeup check (lookin good!) and walk in. He's sitting on the couch looking sexy as hell. He gets up, walks up to me and says "oh Honey, you're home!" and kisses me hard on the lips. I. About. Died. I mean, this guy knows his way around women. But, I played it cool and went over to the fridge to grab us a couple beers (guys LOVE this move.) Then he says "lets go downstairs and smoke". I. About. Died. Again. I love me some marijuana. It is easily my drug of choice and any guy that smokes earns some extra points in my book.

So we get blazed and I make him watch both The City and The Hills before we went out. I personally eat up the scripted nonsense that goes on in these shows, but I know that 99% of straight men can't stand that shit, so it amused me when he started getting into it. Some snippets of The Hills convo:
JD.com: So you know this shit it fake right?
Me: Oh God yeah! This shit is so fuckin fake. If it was real life no one would watch it

JD.com: So who's the extra blond bitch?
Me: That's Heidi.

JD.com: Is the guy in the cowboy hat her boyfriend?
Me: That's her husband, Spencer.

JD.com: Oh snap!!! Cat fight! This shit is pretty good.
Me: God! You are so gay.

After another bowl (or 2) we decide to go to this little hole-in-the-wall bar for drinks, so we jump in my car (of course I had to drive. Typical JD. Seriously, this kid NEVER drives!) and head out. We pull up and there's like 2 people in the bar, which is just our style. You know, to keep a "low profile". We order a round of beers and chit-chat. I can immediately tell that JD.com is stoned to the point of paranoia. He's jerking his head left to right, saying the fat old bartender is eying him all weird. I tell him to relax, put my hand on his leg and give a little squeeze (yeah, I'm getting laid tonight!)

That wrapped up drinks at the bar pretty quickly, so we head back to his place. He gives me shit for listening to Lady GaGa - Bad Romance. I give him a dead leg and tell him I hope his firstborn child gets lupus if he ever makes fun of Lady GaGa again (she is THE BEST thing to happen to mainstream music over the past decade. Hands down). He takes the joke, regains feeling in his leg and we go inside. OK, people this is where is gets good!

Cut to JD and I sitting on the couch, no lights on, drinking Bud Select and watching Family Guy. By this point, I'm pretty tipsy and high as shit, so I am getting into this Family Guy episode (the one where Stewie goes forward in time and finds himself as an adult. Yeah, that's a good one! "Insert your pen-is into her vag-in-a?"), but the fact that we both knew what was about to go down made us both a little on edge. But, hey, it's now or never. All of a sudden he grabs me and pulls me onto his lap. I am nervous! But, God!!! He smells EXACTLY the same as I remember! He's kissing on my neck, nibbling on my ear (yeah, he remembers how I like it), rubbing his hands up and down my legs. It is hot! We are allllllllllllll over each other, making out like teenagers, ripping off clothes, getting in trouble. Off come my shiny spandex leggings, off come his jeans. "Lets go upstairs" he says. Jackpot!!

I fall down on the bed (tying to be all sexy and shit) while he grabs the remote to the TV. "What are you doing??" "Lets fuck while Family Guy is on" he says. Man, I like his style. So, we proceed to, well, "fuck while Family Guy is on" (and 2 episodes of Robot Chicken). And it is sofa king hot! Like movie sex scene hot! Like Fatal Attraction kitchen sex hot! Like sex with "that guy" hot! Hands down, the best of my life, without question.

We lay on his bed gasping for air, composing ourselves and I reach for my iPhone. Fuck! 2 missed calls from The Boyfriend! I get out of bed and streak to the bathroom. God, I look a hot mess! My hair looks like I just got out of a wind tunnel and my makeup looks like it was applied with a shotgun. I make myself presentable (well, presentable enough to look like I haven't been fucking my ex for the past hour) and put my clothes back on. Jesus, I reeked of dirty sex. I go back to the bedroom and he's still buck naked on the bed. "Round 2, baby?" he asks. "Wouldn't it be more like round 3?" I say. "Yeah, that was some good, good drunk sex". "I have to go" I answer. So, we say our awkward good-byes and he gives me a can of Sprite Zero as a parting gift (I still have no idea why he did this?)

I speed off down the highway and light a post coital cigarette and call The Boyfriend. He doesn't answer. This could be either good or bad for me. On one hand he could be asleep already (good) or he could be awake and pissed I wasn't home yet (bad). I pull on my street and pray to God (why would God cut me a break after the shit I just pulled? I have no idea) he's asleep. All the lights are on. Fuuuuuuuuck!! So, I pull myself together, take a deep breath, wonder if anyone would even come to my funeral after The Boyfriend kills me, and walk in the door. I tip-toe through the kitchen and peek in the living room. The Boyfriend is passed out on the couch. THERE IS A GOD!! I take this and run with it...straight to the shower. I wash all the stank out of my hair, but no matter how hard you try, you can't wash away shame. Oh well. Good enough. I wake up The BF and tell him to go to bed. He stumbles to the bedroom and immediately falls back asleep. I let out a sigh of relief, lay down and drift off to sleep with a smile on my face.


***Side note: I understand that I am pure evil after this night. Like, if there was any chance whatsoever that I'd make it into heaven, that is now gone. I can be a straight-up bad person at times, and I make no excuses for the shit I do. But, my other personality officially took over that night and I went with the flow. Sup, hell?

Peace,
The Dogs Tuxedo

Blog #1 What is The Dogs Tuxedo?

Urban Dictionary's definition:
1. in reference to cat's pajamas
2. amazingly hip or cool...
"Who ever thought of the phrase the cat's pajamas?
I don't know, maybe we should change it to the dog's tuxedo..."

I AM The Dogs Tuxedo. I have a truly random and crazy life at times. My friends always say I live a double life. And I agree with them. I definitely have 2 personalities floating around inside my body. On one hand, I'm just your typical 24 year old girl living in the Midwest. But on the other hand, I'm a "free spirit" as I like to call it. That's really just a nice way of saying that I'm a lying, cheating, binge-drinking, cocky bitch who smokes way too much pot.

I would say that 75% of the time I'm your average "nice girl". You know, I have a serious boyfriend (known as The Boyfriend from this point on) and we share a house together, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, etc. I've even been known to go to the local Christian church with my parents (known as The Parents) on occasion (I'm personally surprised I don't burst into flames the second I walk in). When I'm in "nice girl" mode I've been known to grocery shop at WalMart, say "y'all", and purposely fall asleep at 10 pm on a Friday night. The poster child for what The Boyfriend, The Parents, and small town life in general wants from me.

But....

The other 25% of the time I am a "bad girl". Like, if I went to a casting of The Bad Girls Club in this mode, I'd be a shoe-in. I chain-smoke, drink like a fish, do just about any drug you put in my face, flirt and grind shamelessly on random guys, and then wrap all that up by driving home (don't judge me!). I've been known to initiate cat fights for my own personal enjoyment, and I've even woken up in an alley after a crazy night out. This is (of course) my favorite of my personalities ( and also all of my friends' favorite) and the majority of my stories will revolve around this side of me. I mean, come on, there's not much action going on at home on the couch watching Transformers 2 with The Boyfriend for the 7th time that month.

So, yes, I will be blogging about my absolutely ridiculous life. All of these stories are 100% true. They will not be exaggerated and no detail will be spared. And if I do black out (this is pretty common for me), I will get the full story from someone who was sober enough to remember what happened. All names in my stories will be pseudonyms to protect my friends (and myself) from any embarrassment or possible jail time that could come of this.

I will also be posting links to some of my favorite music on this blog. See, I am a TOTAL music snob. I am OBSESSED with having the newest, hard to find, all around best music I can find. Like, I am so obsessed with music, I probably need help. I can get lost in a good song. Plus, I always associate certain songs to certain nights of mayhem. So, after every story, I'll post a "play list" of music that I listened to during the insanity of the night. I'll also post other shit I find funny or amusing on here. This blog will be pretty random, but all of my stories are epic and even I couldn't guess what's going to happen to me next. I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the ride.

Peace,
The Dogs Tuxedo